Lucky To Get Nil: City v Bayern Pre-Match Post-Match Review

“ZO…F.C HOLLYWOOD. LET US SEE VOT YOU ARE MADE OF….”

The scene: deep in the bowels of Etihad Road, an hour before the game: Oberleutnant Silva, resplendent in jackboots, whip and Allgemeine SS Visor Cap (look it up) paced the jockstrap-strewn floor of an ill-at-ease dressing room.

“ZEY SINK ZEY ARE GOING TO PUT US OUT OF ZE CHAMPIONLEAGUE. I SAY NEIN!!!”

In a scene reminiscent of Dr Strangelove, the diminutive Spaniard appeared to have become so obsessed by the threat posed by The Fatherland, he had turned into a power-crazed Nazi Officer, in order to drum up the maximum effort from the cowering jellies - purporting to be footballers - before him.

Mario cringed and tried to set fire to something to appear to fit in. Richards loved it, thinking we were actually in Bavaria rather than at home (another GPS failure) and Joe perfected his best Aryan back-comb. Mancini had locked the dressing room door, paranoid that their trainer would come in and see the ‘big board.’ Lombardo tried to shoot the locks off the Coke machine. (If I’m losing anyone from Mary D’s by this stage, try this: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057012/)

Oh, and Hargreaves was injured.

But what had caused this amazing behaviour change in our mild-mannered midfielder?

In an amazing interview this week, Diamond Dave told the world we could actually win the CL!!! Listen up:

"Of course, we've got to do well in the Champions League and, well, we should aim to win it. Why not? I don't think that is out of the question. (Last season) was a key season for us. We won our first trophy for 35 years and qualified for the Champions League, claiming a place among the best teams in Europe," he told the official Champions League magazine. "We're up there with the elite now and this is enabling us to attract winners. These players know how to win, must win and accept nothing else. Winners don't believe in fate like others do (e.g. City fans). They simply cannot accept defeat. The Champions League is certainly where we want to be and the level we have been aiming for."

You’ve got to love the microscopic playmaker’s optimism. Do you share it? Half-arsed performances against Napoli and Villareal at home; a decent performance against the Iberians away and disasters in Naples and Munchen. Silva should be a politician or Arsene Wenger. Only a criminally insane, jackboot-wearing lunatic with delusions of glory would give us any chance of qualification against the powerhouse of German football.

I don’t know how much you watch of the Bundesliga, but you could argue it’s a better league than the PL. Why? Because what the Germans have traditionally had is the skill levels of the Latin countries combined with the resilience of the English leagues. They play hard, give little away, but can sneak and feint and dive and hustle with the best of them. Be it at national or at team level, these qualities apply.

And then they have the most important quality of all: confidence. An unerring belief in their own ability and quality. Imagine, at the end of WW2 we prevented the Germans from ever forming an army of any size or threat again. Consequently, their expenditure on military campaigns has been miniscule compared to ours ever since. Consequently to that, their economy and standard of living has soared while we have pissed ours away on trying to be America, the ‘world’s policeman.’ We’ve saved Afghanistan – superb. All those poor guys losing their lives. Meanwhile, there are a million teenage unemployed in the UK, most of whom seem to live in the Gorton and Openshaw areas. Way to go Governments!

There’s a double-dip recession on. People are hocking themselves to the nines to afford Christmas – and against the background of all this, we have to sit in sub-zero temperatures to watch our beloved team try and turn around an impossible deficit against the almost God-like opposition, from a society so much more secure, solid and settled than ours.

Then - take the stories emanating out of Italy, in which every Wizard, Gypsy and Warlock of Naples and Valencia will join together in cosmic fluence to well and truly nobble the other result. It’s a hiding to nothing if ever there was one. I’d stay at home if I were you. Watch Corrie and have a curry – that is if you can afford one. Who wants to put themselves through that punishment???

But. Ask yourself: is Silva really a raving loony or something we haven’t seen round these parts for a very long while: a player with genuine love and belief in our cause, who will give his all for it. He has more belief than we do! He loves this team as much as we do!!!

Make sure he’s on the top of your Christmas tree. Give this man your most unbelievable support and together we can turn this around.

COME ON CITY!!!