Lucky To Get Nil: Chelsea v City Pre-Match Post-Match Review

In the news today: “Andre Villas-Boas has launched a scathing attack on Gary Neville over the pundit's "ridiculous" criticisms of his Chelsea players. The Portuguese manager also suggested that other former professionals working in the media spoke from a "biased position in their opinion-making".  

No Shit, Sherlock.

The crouching coach retaliated against the pompous ex-Rag with an attack on his ‘comic criticism.’ Apparently Neville has said that the Chelsea defender, Luiz (pronounced by every commentator as ‘Louise’) defends like a player controlled by a kid on a Playstation. Well… I’ve been waiting for the right time to weigh in on the psychotic pundit’s wooden and nerdish analysis, so why not now?

Defender controlled by a Playstation? Gary, those of us lucky enough to witness the famous Maine Road OG might be moved to suggest a case of pot calling kettle black...

Trussed up like a turkey waiting for Christmas, in his ill-fitting suits and kipper ties, the now-overweight defender thinks he is a master of post-match analysis. Such is his anally-retentive nature, you can imagine him practising hour after hour on Sky’s silly touchscreens to perfect the nonchalant art of drawing a white circle around Didier Drogba and talking shit at the same time. When viewed in a longshot against the video background in the studio, he resembles nothing other than a particularly nervous supply teacher in front of an unruly Year 8 class at Wright Robinson Sports College (and believe me I know.)

But actually, Gary’s been OK to us this year. At first it was through gritted teeth, as if any praise of us would be construed as criticism of the Lord God Ferguson. But after the 6-1, which he was fortunate to be able to watch rather than play in, he has seemed to soften his stance against us. I think he now realises that we are serious contenders and has decided that it’s more important to his career to take the Sky shilling and be impartial rather than licking Fergie’s arse for it’s own sake.

This match is probably going to crystallise whether we actually ARE serious contenders more than any other to date. Chelsea were scintillating against Valencia, and seemed to remember their shape and confidence almost for the first time under AVB. They go into the game with their tails up, and bullish in the defence of their own methods. Plus they are at home, where they rarely lose. Discount the blips against Arsenal and Liverpool – they themselves have improved – and concentrate on the power and control a pumped-up Chelsea can produce.

The form guide tells us this: the majority of their victories this season have been by 2 or more clear goals. Bogeyman Sturridge is on fire with 7 and Lamps has a very respectable 6, given he hardly plays now. Clattenburg is reffing and he gives out at least 3 cards per game. I think a Chelsea pen is a stick-on. Although, that said, Chelsea themselves have the most yellows of any club in the Prem this season. If only Mario could learn to dive more subtly…

But perhaps the most telling stat is that they have scored in the 90^th minute in 3/4 of their most recent home games against us. With Clats undoubtedly looking to do his usual Hollywood routine, don’t leave early...

That’s the real test – City teams of old might have been vulnerable in that way against the opposition. We’ve proved we can see games out now, but if they are behind or if it’s 0-0 I can see them throwing the kitchen sink at us like Liverpool did. You know what I think of the defence, and nothing I’ve seen in recent Prem games gives me confidence that we can keep a clean sheet. I think we need to avoid sitting behind the ball because they are capable of getting round the full backs and whipping one in for Drogs or Lamps to run on to.

Bayern and Napoli showed in the CL the value of being able to press the man. We need to match their tempo and movement and keep up the good work off the ball we did against Bayern. Yaya needs to have a composed game – not the headless chicken moments he’s been having recently - he is giving the ball away far too often – and Barry needs to have the busy and responsible game he’s showed he’s more than capable of.

I think if we can get the ball to The Wardrobe in that deep left position with anything like a break on, we know that apart from Cole they are slow in defence. That could be our best way of nicking one, a-la Arsenal in the cup. But if we do get that kind of oppo then, controversially, the player I’m going to say needs to pick up his game a bit more is…Sergio.

Why? Because he’s just becoming a little wasteful in front of goal. Yes I know he's scored some worldies recently, but watch him - really watch him - in a game. He’s been knocking around the Silva/Nasri knitting circle a bit too much for me. In recent (particularly home) games he has often looked for the clever pass when he should have belted it; and snatched at several chances which were easier to score. I think his decision-making needs to improve. It’s almost as if he’s thinking too much. Remember his first goal, when he just twatted it from about 30 yards and the ball bent all over the place? You know if you go to games that the crowd are screaming for him to do this. See what happened the other night when Silva put down the spinning wheel for a minute and just leathered it? A bit more of that Sergio, please…

I swear: if he did this, the diminutive Argentinian we love could have at least double the goals he has now. He needs to get back to his naturally-instinctive best and Monday night would do nicely. If he added a really clinical edge to his game he could outscore Ronaldo.

And that would really piss Gary Neville off…